Navigating Family Gatherings When Politics Clash with Jesse Schroeder
Navigating family gatherings during politically charged times can be tricky, but it doesn’t have to be impossible. In my latest blog post, I share lessons learned from a recent trip to visit family after the election, along with practical tips for fostering understanding and maintaining healthy boundaries. For a deeper dive into the topic, listen to my conversation with Licensed Social Worker Jesse Schroeder, where we discuss how to navigate these situations with compassion and care. You can read the full article and tune into our conversation below.
Navigating Family Gatherings When Politics Clash
My wife and I had planned a weekend trip to visit my parents in early November, just after her birthday. We looked forward to the time away and always enjoyed hanging out with my family. Then, the election happened. It's common knowledge—in that we've talked about this openly—that we tend to vote differently from my family. We were grieving, unsure if we had the energy to be around loved ones who might be ready to throw a celebration.
Before we left, we decided to be upfront and honest. We sent a few texts, sharing our grief, acknowledging that they might feel differently, and honestly asking them if the environment would be focused on the election. We tried to approach it with curiosity—all we wanted to do was gauge the tone before we arrived.
As it turned out, my family was incredibly understanding and respected our feelings. We went and had a wonderful time—everyone was respectful, and our concerns were met with compassion. It was a best-case scenario, a real testament to my family, and perhaps not the norm. But that weekend reminded us how meaningful it can be when family meets us where we are, even in our differences.
Navigating family relationships can be challenging, especially when politics come into play. In the advice below, I've shared some principles that might help create more understanding and healthy dialogue in times of tension, particularly around political differences. However, these suggestions might not work in every situation. They might only work with a foundation of emotional intelligence and mutual respect. Had I tried having this conversation years ago with my family, before we'd learned to discuss our differences in a healthy way, I'm confident it wouldn't have gone as well. All that to say, every family, situation, and need is unique.
Family dynamics are complex for many, and coming together can stir up deep-seated roles and patterns. Sometimes, we fall into familiar routines or mindsets from childhood—even as adults. Sometimes, family members may not be ready or willing to have open conversations, especially if past traumas or unaddressed issues are part of the picture.
As my friend Jesse recently pointed out, expecting certain behaviors from people who may not be equipped to offer them is like trying to order a steak dinner at a fast-food restaurant—it's just not on the menu. While we may be able to offer grace and patience, we're not responsible for managing others' emotions, especially when it comes to deeply held beliefs.
With that in mind, I hope the following advice serves as a helpful guide for those moments when meaningful conversation is possible and family members are open to sharing perspectives. In reality, some of this advice might not work for many reasons, and if you're reading this and feeling triggered, please take care of yourself. Never put yourself in a situation where you feel unsafe. On the other hand, if your family is committed to healthy communication, here are some ideas to get you started.
1. Lead with Honesty and Openness
The healthiest foundation for any conversation is one rooted in sincerity, free from ulterior motives. You can't control what other people think or believe. All you can do is be honest about what you believe. Learning to be honest with those you disagree with in a non-judgmental way is a discipline that takes practice and one that I'm still learning for myself. The best advice I can give you is this: 1. Let go of your expectations. If you share something with the expectation that they will accept you, agree with you, or change their minds, you're not only setting yourself up for disappointment, but your honesty might come across like it has an agenda. Anytime we're "honest" with the intent to change someone, it stops being about our honesty and more about the agenda, no matter how hard we try to mask it. Let go of your expectations and focus on speaking your truth. 2. Be clear, concise, and kind. This remains the best advice for any heightened or tense conversation. The more clear, concise, and kind you can be, the more opportunities you will have for ongoing conversations. When we're ambiguous, long-winded, and unkind, there is a significant risk of escalating things, and in the end, escalation will produce the opposite results we want. Escalation destroys connection, whereas being clear, concise, and kind encourages connection. 3. Remain positive. Express your excitement for the time together instead of only acknowledging potential differences. This not only shares your viewpoint but also subtly encourages family members to reflect on how they might contribute to a positive environment. Bring everyone's focus back to what you're really there for: connection. Remind the family that, in spite of different beliefs, you're excited to spend time together because family goes beyond these divisions.
2. Set Clear Boundaries
You can't change someone's mind, and you certainly can't fix anyone's problems by yourself. All you can do is set healthy boundaries. This might look 100 different ways, whether it's being intentional about how much time you spend with your family or the topics you're willing to discuss. Mentioning boundaries shouldn't feel like setting ultimatums. When boundaries are used in a threatening way, it will have the opposite effect you're hoping for. Instead of saying, "We need to avoid talking about politics, or I'll stop visiting," you could say, "I'm happy to talk about politics if it feels constructive, but if it turns heated, I may step away to keep the peace." It's okay to advocate for yourself and do what you need to take care of yourself without leaning into ultimatums.
Healthy boundaries are the key to self-care. They require refusing to ignore the things that cause you pain. While there are times when it's best to avoid conversations, it's healthier to get things out into the open when possible.
In fact, sometimes, trying to avoid tension can amplify it, so be willing to name the elephant in the room. And remember, because it can’t be repeated often enough, be clear, concise, and kind. You can say something like, "I know we see some things differently, but my hope is we can keep it light or shift topics if it starts to feel too personal for anyone." Giving permission to feel uncomfortable can go a long way toward relieving tension in your family.
3. Remember: It's Okay To Sit This One Out
Sometimes, preserving your well-being means deciding not to attend a family gathering—or to only attend for a limited amount of time. It's not an easy choice, but it can be a necessary one. If you feel emotionally unprepared for the conversations or the environment, it's okay to say, "I need to sit this one out." There is nothing wrong with taking time to process, recharge, and protect your mental health. You might consider letting your family know it's not about a lack of love but about self-care, but that depends entirely on what you think they are able to "hear." Or you could offer a follow-up plan, such as scheduling a phone call or a smaller get-together when emotions aren't running as high. Or if you're worried about repercussions, I think it can be healthy to provide a simple excuse for why you can't come—or why you have to leave early.
Family relationships are complex, and every situation is different. The best you can do is take care of yourself, get advice from those you trust, and keep everything kind.